


a heart of darkness

by orphan_account



Series: we are who we protect [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Fix It Fic, Han Lives, LOTS of violence, M/M, Mental Instability, Multi, Panic Attacks, Polyamorous Relationships, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, and tries to fix everything, finn is trying his best, he's trying his best, kylo hears voices, kylo is fucked up, kylo realizes he's fucked up, kylo's redemption episode, lots of injuries, poe is a great friend, rey is a literal angel, should have mentioned that earlier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-13 06:14:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5698030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years after the destruction of Starkiller base the First Order and the Resistance continue on their warpath. The First Order is weakened- Kylo Ren, a Knight of Ren, recuperates from his lost battle to the scavenger girl Rey, who grows in strength under the tutelage of the Jedi Luke Skywalker.<br/>But even with these advantages the Resistance is struggling. They need something to finally defeat the First Order once and for all- something that may lay at the heart of the First Order itself.<br/>Kylo Ren struggles with the light and dark inside him and will ultimately make a decision that will determine the outcome of this war. The only question is that of his choice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. fear might be the death of me; don't know what's inside me

**Author's Note:**

> look at me go write another story when i have one half written i haven't updated in months wow I'm such a great writer

The darkness whispered to him as he stalked towards the interrogation room. The pilot would be difficult- Hux had insisted on physical pain, but Kylo knew Poe Dameron would not break so easily. He was too strong willed. Something Kylo had always admired.

The storm trooper guards stepped aside for him as he neared the door, backs ram rod straight and their fear prickling at Kylo’s mind. Under his mask his lips pulled into a snarl at their weakness. If only they knew how terrifyingly fragile their master was.

The doors opened with a hiss and Kylo stepped into the interrogation room silently. Poe Dameron was limp in a feign of sleep in the rack- Kylo could feel the concentrated mass of will power and strength that was his mind, like the shallows under a waterfall.

He circled the rack, feet silent, and felt the exact moment when Poe Dameron realized he was here. The stiffening of his shoulders was telling that he was conscious.

 _I know you’re awake,_ Kylo whispered into his mind. The pilot flinched away from him and his eyes opened as his lips pulled back into a sneer.

“The resistance does not fear you,” Poe Dameron snarls.

 _Feel his anger. His conviction. You must feel the same. You must force yourself to hate them-_ a voice whispers in Kylo’s head, and a twisted laugh builds in his chest.

“We’ll see,” He rumbles, and breaks the walls in the pilot’s mind in seconds.

  

_Hot desert. Bright sunlight. White clouds running across a blue sky. Snowflakes falling to the ground. The smell of smoke and cooking meat. Laughter. The tang of rum. An engine’s hum. Crinkled eyes. Cheery music. A droid. A mission. General Organa- brown eyes warm and intense. A gentle smile on her face. An embrace. Happiness. A map._

 

Kylo stumbles back under the onslaught of all of the pilot’s memories. Seeing General Organa- his mother- happy and smiling- something painful and repressed begins building in his chest and he can’t dredge up any hatred to crush it. Even the dark whispers in his mind are washed away by the flood of emotion. He turns his back on the pilot and forces himself to focus on the droid- a BB orange and white model. The droid has the map.

Even as he paces to General Hux’s office, he cannot shake the warmth and love in his mother’s eyes.

Somewhere deep inside him, the light grows.

 

\-------------------

 

The girl is strong. She is a bright beacon of light, and she hurts his mind. He can feel her burning away the edges of the haziness in his conscious and it scares him.

He tries to weasel into her mind- brute force will not work, not like it did with the pilot- and he finds her thoughts are a cacophony of bright emotion and hot thunderstorms. She is immediately aware of him and her fury and fear and strength pummels him- the brightness is burning him away and he stumbles back, his hazy and destitute and wasteland of a mind scrambling in agony to flee from her power.

She, now, delves into his mind, a forceful spear, a powerful jab, trapping his thoughts like a fish in the shallows. She pulls and prods, shoving his thoughts into her eternal light, and he turns and flees. He needs Snoke’s reassurance. Kylo is afraid.

The light grows, a small seedling in the dark crevices of his mind.

 

\------------------

 

Kylo’s steps on the bridge are almost silent in the oscillator. The troopers he brought with him spread out, searching for his father- _Han Solo,_ the voices remind him, _he is not your father, he abandoned you_ \- and he paces like a caged animal, fury and fear building in his chest.

“Ben!” Rings through the air and at the sound of his old name Kylo feels a jolt of something run down his spine. He turns to see Han Solo stepping onto the bridge. He tries to pull his fury around him, to protect his shriveled little heart from the onslaught of emotion the sight of his father has garnered. _Kill him, and you’ll never feel this weakness again,_ the voices whisper, _kill him and you will never be afraid again._

Kylo forces himself to straighten his back but he cannot make himself meet his father’s eyes.

“Take off that mask. You don't need it.” Han says, nearing his still son.

“What do you think you'll see if I do?” Kylo murmurs, fighting the urge to turn and flee as his father closes the distance between them.

“The face of my son,” Han answers, stopping before Kylo. The helmet is removed with a hiss that sends a shiver up Han’s neck. He so desperately wants to take Ben into his arms and hold him and apologize- for how awful of a father he was, for sending his only child away, for not telling Ben he loved him often enough. He drinks in the appearance of Ben, something he’s gone so long without- eyes like his mother, so expressive, and his rat’s nest of a hair, and the full lips and cheeks that Han knows can curve into the most beautiful smile he’s ever seen and dimples Ben got from who knows where and-

“Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him,” Kylo says, gritting his teeth, biting back the weakness in his voice. He doesn’t believe what he’s saying- but the voices are so loud, and he’s so scared, and he grasps at the darkness like a blanket, but it’s so threadbare that the light of his father continues to poke through. Ben Solo continues to reach for the light.

“That's what Snoke wants you to believe, but it's not true. My son is alive,” Han insists.

“No. The Supreme Leader is wise,” Kylo says, but his voice is on the verge of shaking. He has to belief that Snoke is right. He must believe it or he has no justification for his actions- he’s been wrong all these years.

“Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you. You know it's true,” Han says, and Kylo knows- he _knows_ but he can’t just leave, he’s so scared, the darkness is so rooted in his mind- he can’t leave, he can’t go, he _doesn’t know what to do-_

“It's too late,” Kylo chokes out. The darkness is like a living thing in his mind, holding off the light just enough that everything is so murky that Kylo can’t quite think right-

“No, it's not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you,” His father’s voice is soft, gentle, the voice he would use whenever Ben was upset or scared- and his son is so, so scared right now.

“I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain,” Kylo whispers, a realization growing in his heart, and Han steps closer. “I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?” He asks hesitantly. He is sure his father will deny him, that any moment he could turn and leave, but-

“Yes. Anything.” Han answers without a second thought. Ben’s face is closed off, but his father can see the fear in his eyes. The sadness. And there’s something else- a decision. An assuredness.

Kylo reaches for his belt and unclips his light saber, holding it out to his father. Han reaches forward and wraps his hand around it and almost recoils- it is cold, and it feels so wrong against his hand, and he has the sudden urge to rip it out of his son’s hand and throw it into the abyss that looms under them.

“Father, please,” Kylo- _Ben_ \- whispers. Han studies his face anxiously, tightens his grip on the saber, but Kylo doesn’t let go.

“I want you to kill me,” His son whispers.

Han rears back but doesn’t remove his hand from the saber.

“You want me to _what_?” He asks incredulously, and a pit in his stomach deepens as tears grow in Kylo’s eyes.

“You need to kill me,” Kylo insists. _What are you doing? Kill him! Kill him!_ The voices scream, growing in volume and rage, and Kylo flinches from the stabbing pain they illicit. He can feel the anger growing in his chest- why won’t his father kill him? Why won’t he end this now?

“Please, you need to kill me,” Kylo says, and again Han wants to jerk away- this isn’t his son, this skeleton cannot be his once shy and bashful son- but he fears that if he moves away Kylo will fall to the dark side fully, or kill himself. He grasps the saber tighter and looks Ben in the eyes.

“I can’t do that to you, Ben,” Han whispers, and sees the realization grow in his sons eyes, “I could never hurt you like that.” Kylo rips the light saber from Han’s hand and stumbles back, horror and fury twisting his face, and Han feels his stomach roll.

“You _need_ to kill me! I’ve done awful things! I’ve killed people!” Kylo screams, spit flying and tears staining his face. Han takes a step forward, hand outstretched, and Kylo’s saber suddenly bathes them both in red light. He doesn’t flinch away, just steps closer to his son.

“Ben,” Han says softly, and Kylo shakes his head wildly, breathing raspy and uneven.

“Stop calling me that! That is not my name! He’s dead! He’s dead!” Kylo yells, swinging his light saber high over his head, a crazed look of fury in his eyes. _Kill him! Kill him! He is too weak! You must kill him!_ The voices scream.

Han doesn’t try to move. He can’t. He can’t turn his back on his child and run again. He squares his feet and stands his ground, wishing Kylo could feel the overwhelming love he has for him.

Kylo shudders and freezes, a strange look in his eyes, and he slowly begins to lower his light saber. Han feels hope stir in his heart and he pushes that love at Kylo more fervently.

Suddenly a thrum of energy flies by his ear and he watches in horror as the telltale blur of Chewie’s bowcaster sends Kylo to his knees, his yelp of pain grating against Han’s ears. He drops to his own knees in front of his son, holding Kylo’s face between his hands, his throat stinging at the expression of pain on his face.

“Run,” Kylo snarls, sweat gluing his hair to his forehead. Han traces the swell of his cheek with his thumb and shakes his head, he can’t leave his son, not again-

The explosives Han and Chewie set go off and shake the bridge, and Kylo lurches over, his face pinching as he grasped at his side.

“You need to _run,_ ” Kylo hisses, pushing at Han’s shoulder with his hand. “I will follow you, after I get rid of the rest of the troopers,” He says, and for a moment Han doesn’t understand what he just said- but then he realizes that Kylo said _follow,_ Kylo was going to- _Ben_ was coming home- and Han stumbles to his feet and runs, casting only one glance over his shoulder at his injured son.

Kylo stumbles to his feet as soon as his father disappeared from the oscillator. His steps were lurching and unsteady. _Use it,_ the voices snarled, _use the pain, use the anger, use it- use it and kill them._ This voice sounded like Snoke, and all of a sudden a wash of darkness swept over his mind, and he couldn’t remember why he had wanted to go home with his father.

The light inside him is stifled by the oppression of Lord Snoke, but it still pulses like a faint heartbeat.

 

\------------------

 

The snow is cold. He is cold. The only source of heat is his wounds and the burn of fury in his heart. He had been beaten- by a scavenger, by a girl who had never used a light saber before- and an anger and sadness that he had never felt before washed through his body.

 _Why had I wanted this power? Why had I wanted to be like Darth Vader? Why had I listened to Lord Snoke?_ These thoughts- all his own- plagued him in the cacophony of the woods. The planet was being destroyed all around him but Kylo couldn’t make himself care- he should die. He deserved it. Isn’t that why he had asked his father to kill him?

 _No, Ben,_ a gentle, feminine voice spoke to him, one he had never heard before, _you are in pain, and that is why you wanted to die- you are afraid and hurting. You have never deserved to die._

“Who are you?” He whispered into the still air. For a moment his mind was silent.

 _I was called Padme Amidala when I was alive,_ the voice said, _I am your grandmother. Your grandfather wants me to tell you that it is never too late._

“Why?” Kylo asks. His vision is darkening. He can’t quite take a full breath. “Why only now?”

 _It is only now that you are willing to listen,_ Padme tells him, and he feels a gentle caress across his face that he tells himself is the wind but instills a hint of warmth in his cold, dying body.

_It is never too late, Ben. You can always try to fix what you’ve done._


	2. you said you'd come for me when the world swallows me whole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You were planning on bringing me back?” He asks, voice uneven but not due to their fast pace through the halls of the cruiser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cranking these out like crazy lol

Three Years Later

Kylo paced the halls of the cruiser. He had felt something flickering on the edges of his conscious- some small glimmer of light in the darkness of the First Order. Someone among the ranks was not who they seemed to be.

He followed the glimmer through the halls into the private quarters of the officers. Past countless doors he searched for the officer who was not as united to the cause as they seemed to be. Someone here was a spy for the resistance.

Kylo finally found the door that hid the glowing mind from him. He knocked, once, and waited for it to hiss open. The young officer that opened the door immediately stepped aside, snapping into the correct posture for a higher-ranking official, and Kylo stepped into their room silently.

The door hissed shut behind him and the officer remained silent. Kylo could feel the fear emanating from them. He suddenly swung around and backed them up against the wall of their quarters. Their fear grew into terror and for a moment Kylo was silent, looking at them through the slits in his helmet, reassuring himself that this was the officer that was a spy.

“I know that you’re a spy for the resistance,” He says. The officer stiffens and her eyes widen.

“Why haven’t you alerted General Hux yet?” She asked, her voice only trembling slightly. _Why haven’t you killed her? Kill her! Kill her! She’s a spy! She’s a spy!_ The voices shrieked, but Kylo paid them no mind.

“You are going to do exactly as I say, or I will,” He murmurs, and reaches into his robes. He doesn’t miss the way she flinches at the movement. He pulls out a small hard drive and holds it in the palm of his hand.

“You will get this to the resistance. I don’t care how you do it, as long as they get all the information on this hard drive. I will continue to shield your mind from Lord Snoke’s scrutiny and you will give me solid confirmation that the resistance has received this information,” Kylo says, holding the hard drive out to the woman. She regards it with suspicion.

“What is the information?” She asks, eyes darting up to look at Kylo’s helmet. Her eyes are cold. With a rattling sigh he slowly lifts his hands and removes his new helmet. She stares at him in shock, taking in his youthful appearance and the ugly scar that stretches across his face with wide eyes.

“All of the First Order’s movements and plans for the next three months, and long term plans to destroy the resistance.” He says, meeting her eyes square on. Her mouth falls open and she drops her gaze back down to the hard drive he once again offers to her. She takes it in a trembling hand and holds it there loosely.

“Why?” She asks. _Why? Why? Why are you betraying Lord Snoke? He will find out! He knows all! He will find out and he will destroy you!_ The voices scream.

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” He whispers, and the officer stares at him. He lifts the helmet back over his head and sweeps out of her room without a glance back.

 

\------------------- 

 

Kylo is jolted from his fragile sleep as the cruiser shudders under enemy fire. He rolls out of bed and immediately reaches for his light saber, but no one comes through his door. He can hear the thunder of storm troopers through the halls and shouted commands. The resistance must have found them.

He had given the resistance spy the hard drive only a few sleep cycles ago; he hadn’t expected the rebel forces to receive it so quickly and act as swiftly as they have.

 _Mother and father have come back for me,_ he realizes, but also immediately forces that thought away. _They are never coming for me- all the information I’ve been leaking the past few years doesn’t matter to them; I’ve done too many bad things. They can never love me again._

The ship shudders again and Kylo is throwing on his tunic and leggings when the cruiser suddenly pitches to the side and he slams into the ground. When the ship stabilizes Kylo pushes himself to his hands and knees, blinking away the double vision and smearing his hand through the blood that drips from a cut on his brow. He stumbles to his feet and jams his boots on, clipping his light saber to his belt and moving to the door unsteadily. There isn’t time to fully dress.

Outside his room troops move too and fro, fighting off rebel forces already aboard the cruiser. Kylo ignores all of this. He moves directly to the main command, where the battle has not yet reached. General Hux stands in the centre, the eye of a hurricane, and Kylo stalks straight up to him.

“Where have they breached,” He asks, voice deadly calm, and Hux turns to him, a raised eyebrow the only sign of surprise at the sight of Kylo Ren without his mask. Many other officers stare at him with open mouths.

“Hangars one through five have all been breached, and six through nine are destroyed,” Hux says calmly. He opens his mouth again but Kylo suddenly stiffens, eyes widening and body turning away. _The girl is here._

He turns and almost runs out of the control room, General Hux turning back to his command without a second thought.

Kylo does not pause to engage with any of the troops or rebel forces unless they get in his way. He cuts them down indiscriminately if they step too close.

None of them recognize him anyway without his helmet, although the red light saber and it’s unique design gives a solid hint. He follows the light of the girl’s mind towards hangar four which seems to have the most consolidated fighting.

He is seen before he sees her; a rebel fighter spots him and immediately shouts a warning, firing at him with his blaster. The shot is awry and Kylo easily deflects it. The rebel fighter stumbles back, fear on his face, but Kylo sweeps by him. A trooper stumbles in his way and, not recognizing him in the heat of the battle, goes to hit him across the face with his weapon. His arm hits the floor and then he’s dead before he can register the pain.

By now, the fighters are all aware he is there. He ignores them and continues searching the crowds for Rey, his mind trying to pinpoint the source of the blinding light. _You must find her! Bend her to your will! End her! Turn her to the dark side! You must! You must!_ The voices clamor in his mind, but he has only one single thought- he must tell her. He must warn her. And then she can kill him and he will finally be free.

 _“Kylo Ren!”_ Pierces the air of the hangar and Kylo spins, his eyes locking with Rey’s. Sweat is smeared across her brow and her light saber- a gorgeous blue, it’s hilt old scrap metal of many kinds, double bladed like her staff- hums with energy at her side. She recoils when their eyes meet, shock and a strange kind of horror flickering across her face when their minds collide.

She is just as bright, just as stubborn as when they last met, but she has a new kind of strength to her- she is still a desert thunderstorm, but her lightning strikes with a purpose.

He moves towards her, trying to reign his thoughts in, struggling to put what he needs to tell her in order- a blaster shot flies by his ear but he barely notices, jerking his head enough to avoid it. A singed curl falls to the hangar floor.

Rey moves toward him as well, picking up pace as he nears her, and their light sabers clash with a burst of light and sparks and power. He feels the vibration of her power- physical and mental- run through his arms and into his chest and for a moment Kylo is lost for words. But then the traitorous voices begin to murmur and he forces himself to reach for the clarity Rey’s stunning light offers.

She jerks when she feels the tendrils of his mind brush against hers and she throws up walls, but Kylo simply grabs at the excess light she has and uses it to burn away the smog hovering over his mind. Rey stares at him in shock as he takes a deep breath and meets her eyes.

“Rey, you need to know- you can’t trust anyone,” Kylo says in a rush, low and urgently. Rey bares her teeth and leans her weight forward, and Kylo steps back easily. Surprise flutters in her eyes.

“You can’t trust anyone but the Force,” He insists; sweat stings the large cut on his forehead. Blood catches on his eyelashes.

“What are you saying,” Rey snarls, shaking away a piece of hair that sticks to her nose.

“The Force isn’t dark or light, just like people aren’t dark or light- it’s how you use it,” Kylo says, steering Rey left, trying to avoid a hand to hand battle that almost invades the tiny bubble of space the two Force wielders had cultivated. She stumbles back when her mind catches this errant thought.

“Listen to me Rey- Snoke is going to try to take you, he’s going to try to force the dark upon you like he did to me- you can’t let him,” Kylo whispers, pain exploding in his mind as the voices rise to a crescendo. Rey puts all her strength into pushing him away, ending the lock the light sabers has been in. He doesn’t move, saber held lightly in his hand, it’s usual chill suddenly feeling alien against his skin.

“Why are you telling me this?” She asks. Kylo shakes his head- _why? Why? Why are you betraying Lord Snoke so? Why? Why?!_ \- and steps towards her. She immediately brings her light saber up and across her body.

“I can’t fight it anymore,” He says, voice low and trembling, “Kill me, please kill me- it hurts, I can’t think, just kill me-“ Rey steps back, horror and fear- the first time she’s been afraid of him since their last encounter- spreading from her mind to mingle with his. She feels his horror, his fear, his misery, his _pain_ , she feels how the light and dark are tearing apart his mind, and she sees all that he’s wanted to do since he didn’t kill his father on the bridge- and then she shakes her head.

“Come home, Kylo,” She says, softly, and Kylo flinches away from the reminder of the bridge, “Your parents want you to come home,” He shakes his head wildly- he so desperately wanted to go home, to his _parents,_ but it was so hard to think clearly- go home? He doesn’t have a home- and the pain kept building and he so desperately- _so desperately_ \- just wanted it all to end-

 _“Kill me!”_ He screams, lunging at her, when he sees the blaster raised on the shoulder of a trooper aimed at Rey’s vulnerable back. He’s assaulted with the memories of laughter, of her childish smiling face, years ago, asking him to show her more tricks, and he’s suddenly dropping his light saber and tackling her to the ground. Her light saber cuts through his side, singing clothes and flesh, but the blaster shot flies over them both.

Rey shoves him off her and rolls to her feet with wide eyes. She watches his hand scrabble at his side where she cut him before he goes limp, eyes searching hers desperately. His mind is open and vulnerable, torn and hazy and wrecked, and she suddenly thrusts her open hand out to him.

“Come with me,” She says, pushing her powers of persuasion at him, and he hesitantly reaches his hand out to grasp hers. She tugs him to his feet, going up easier than she would have expected, and swipes his light saber off the floor of the hangar. The battle still rages around them but they are contained in stillness.

“I’m bringing you home,” She insists, and thrusts his light saber in his hand. Kylo takes it and meets her eyes reluctantly. There is a battle in the dark depths- an epic war that has plagued millions throughout history- and Rey suddenly finds determination to see it won.

She grabs his arm roughly and pushes him ahead, through the fighting, prodding at his back to make him move. Getting the hint, he moves through the carnage, cutting away swathes of both rebel fighters and troopers. They break out of the fighting and Rey starts towards the other hangars.

“There’s a transport waiting for us,” She says, casting a glance up at Kylo’s face. He turns and looks at her, a strange look of uneasiness on his face.

“You were planning on bringing me back?” He asks, voice uneven but not due to their fast pace through the halls of the cruiser. Rey nods, using the Force to throw two troopers against the wall and stepping over their still bodies without breaking stride.

“One of the reasons we hit this cruiser so hard,” She says, “We knew you and several other important personnel were aboard due to a huge cache of leaked information a spy got to us,” She shoots him a look that Kylo studiously ignores- he hadn’t counted on the spy telling the rebel forces it had been him that had gotten them the information.

They move through an intersection of halls at a fast pace, Rey catching sight of several troopers out of the corner of her eye, but Kylo doesn’t see them until it’s almost too late. One trooper manages to get his blaster up and fires off a shot before Kylo’s and Rey’s combined Force propelled them down the hall.

Before he even realizes what he’s doing, Kylo slams his hand into Rey’s chest and knocks her down onto her back, out of way of the blaster shot. He jerks his head away to try and avoid it but he reacts too slowly- he hits the ground hard, fire exploding through his face from only being grazed, his vision whiting out completely in his right eye.

He hears Rey yelling his name and he struggles to get up, her small hands grasping at his shirt and under his arm to pull him up. He stumbles but manages to remain on his feet. He can barely see anything around the black spots dancing in his left eye.

“We’ve got to keep moving Kylo- the hangar is close, we just have to keep moving-“ She hisses, using the Force to support his bigger body. Kylo clips his light saber to his belt and used his hand not clutching her shoulder to brace himself on the wall as they move. Their pace is slow, a snail’s crawl compared to their earlier sprint, but Kylo’s side and head stab with every step.

Both their sabers are deactivated at this point and both have realized if troopers came upon them now they wouldn’t last very long- all they have is the Force. But they don’t encounter anyone and hangar five is empty of all but a few rebel fighters and lots of bodies. As soon as they see Rey and bloody Kylo they race to the transporter and immediately start prepping it.

Behind them, Kylo senses the footsteps of dozens of troopers, and he pulls his arm from Rey’s hold sharply. She reaches out and grasps at his shirt as he stumbles but he moves back from her hold.

“Go help with the ship, or none of us will make it off this cruiser alive,” He says, tugging his saber from his belt and turning to the hangar doors. Rey hesitates, looking at his bloodied face and unstable stance, and reaches for her saber.

 _“Go!”_ He snarls, rounding on her. She bites her lip hard and narrows her eyes and Kylo sees the stubbornness digging its heels in.

“I think I can handle some troopers,” He says, forcing his voice to soften, and then jerks his head over his shoulder at the transporter. She finally moves and sprints across the hangar, ducking into the transporter immediately and starting its engines. The first trooper’s run into the hangar and start shooting and Kylo directs their shots back at them. He crushes some with the Force, throws some back at their comrades, and cuts down any that dare to come too close. From the back of the huddle he hears a familiar voice.

“Ren! What do you think you’re doing?” General Hux shouts, shoving past troopers. Kylo relaxes out of his defensive stance only minutely, blinking away the blood and sweat in his eyes. _Why are you helping that girl? Have you no loyalty? Are you so weak willed that you cannot resist the light she has? You will pay for this treachery!_ the voices hiss, and Kylo forces himself back into the half-crouch and raises his saber at Hux threateningly.

“I’m done,” He says, voice weak and tired. The General and his troops are floored- they have never heard the Knight sound so defeated, so weak, not even when he was on the verge of death.

“If you take one more step forward I’ll cut you down,” Comes a furious voice from behind him, and Kylo jerks his head enough to see Rey standing at his right shoulder, head up and saber humming in her hands. She glances over at him and a gentle thought floats to him like a breeze.

_The ship is ready. We’ll cover each other’s retreat._

Kylo nods once in confirmation, focusing on her brightness- her light, the light, the warmth and strength of it- and uses it to embolden his resolve. Hux stares at them incredulously, shaking with fury.

“Kill them!” He screams, and Rey and Kylo are assaulted with a barrage of blaster shots. Their light sabers hum through the air fluidly, covering each other as they move in sync back towards the transporter. The few rebel fighters aboard fire at the troopers from the ship.

Though Rey and Kylo fight together as one- their minds mesh in a unity that is both chaos and orderly, a storming sea and unbreakable cliff wall- the blaster fire is relentless, and Kylo goes to one knee with a hit to the leg, and watches in despairing fury as Rey barely manages to avoid losing her shoulder. They’re only a few feet from the transporter when the grenade lands in front of them. Rey reacts first as the troopers take cover; she reaches out and grasps Kylo’s shoulder, trying to pull him away, but they both know they’re too close.

Kylo throws his light saber to the ground and turns and once again tackles Rey- this time she goes easily, trying to throw up a Force wall up around them and the ship. Kylo reaches out with his own Force and catches the grenade and flings it back at the troopers and General Hux.

It goes off seconds later, and both Kylo and Rey are thrown into the transporter’s wall from the blast, Rey’s yelp almost drowned out by the ringing in Kylo’s ears. It all happens in seconds.

He can feel that something is broken in his chest and his back, but the pain is nothing. He cannot feel it. He must get aboard that ship and get back to his parents- _home_ \- and he has to get Rey away. Far away from Snoke and his treacherous whispering. But he can feel his conscious slowly slipping, his vision dimming, and just before the darkness settles in he sees a hand grasp his collar and begin to drag him into the transporter.


	3. i've grown familiar with villains that live in my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo glances down at his hands- pale and scarred and shaking so, so badly. He tries to clench them into fists but they fall open weakly, and he feels tears prick once again because he’s not home- how could he have ever thought he’d be able to find home again? He’d never belong anywhere- he was an outcast, a freak, a monster that heard voices and had no way to justify his actions. His parents could never love him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo third chapter coming to you quick (honestly i should be studying for my two day global history and geography mid term but fuck it right)

His vision shudders in and out. The little sound he could make out was the hum of engines and many voices, overlapping and jarring. He struggled to pull himself to full consciousness but the drugs in his blood held him under with greedy, grasping hands.

The transporter he was in jolted and he let out a choked groan as his many injuries were jostled. A gentle hand smoothed over his forehead and pushed his sweaty hair back from his brow.

“Sleep, Ben, you’re almost home,” The voice soothed. Kylo’s eyes slipped shut.

 

 

_“We’ve got a heartbeat, but I don’t know for how long-”_

_“Half his face took a hit from a blaster, looks like-“_

_“Open wound on his side, I think a saber cut-“_

_“Displaced comminuted fractures in his ribs and spine-“_

_“Severe contusions throughout his back and sides, internal bleeding-“_

Garbled sentences ran through Kylo’s ears. He could only catch snatches as his mind balanced tumultuously on the edge of consciousness. He knew they had landed and he thought they were rushing him to the medical bay- _why, just leave me alone to die, tell my mother I’m sorry-_ not sure if he was voicing these thoughts or not.

Lights blurred overhead and Kylo was vaguely aware of someone’s warm hand grasping his desperately tight. He rocked his head, trying to see out of his still working eye, and managed to catch sight of warm eyes and tear stained cheeks before his head fell back and he lost his grip.

 

 ------------------

 

_“Ben, can you do that floating trick again?” Rey asked shyly, holding out a palm full of stones. Ben Solo rolled his eyes in fake irritation before smiling and scooping the pebbles out of the younger child’s hands._

_“Of course I can!” He says, tapping Rey’s small nose with a finger playfully, and she wrinkles her nose and frowns at him._

_He uses the Force to gently lift the pebbles into the air, spinning them in wobbly circles. Ben is careful and manipulates them to hover around Rey’s head like a halo._

_“Look, you’re a princess,” He jokes, and Rey crosses her arms and stomps her feet. All her earlier shyness is gone._

_“I’m not gonna be a princess, I’m a Jedi! I’m gonna be the greatest Jedi knight ever!” She proclaims loudly, puffing her cheeks out at Ben’s amused face._

_“I bet you will,” He says, the pebbles settling into his hands, “I’ll bet you’ll be better than me,”_

_Rey’s answering smile is brighter than the stars._

Kylo jolts awake painfully, his good eye flicking around the clean white room, fear shoving his heart into a marathon. A medic droid shuffles over to him slowly and removes the lukewarm towel on his forehead.

“Ben Solo,” It says, and Kylo flinches at the name, “You are at one of the resistance bases. You have severe injuries and am required to remain here until they have healed sufficiently. Now that you have awoken, I will call for your mother and father. Would you like me to call anyone else?” Kylo swallows roughly, his dry throat clicking awkwardly, and the droid reaches to his bedside table and procures a glass of water. Kylo gratefully sucks it down.

“Rey,” He says hoarsely, hoping that the other Force user would come. He needed to talk to her. The droid buzzes in acknowledgement and turns and leaves the room. The door locks behind it.

Kylo goes to sit up, gasping as his injuries are pulled at. He settles back down and lifts the blankets up to look at his injuries. The cut Rey made with her saber sits on his right side and matches the scar from Chewbacca’s bowcaster. The blaster wound on his thigh is tightly bandaged and surgical incisions on his sides are covered with a thin layer of gauze.

The door opens again with a sudden hiss and Kylo jumps as the medical droid reenters. It shuffles over to him and places a small box filled with ointment and bandages on his bed.

“I am going to replace the bandages on your face. Please hold still,” It says, and Kylo forces himself to relax as it carefully peels away the bandages glued to the right side of his face. It pulls at his tender skin uncomfortably and he grimaces.

The droid applies medical ointment with a smooth pad and then replaces the bandages over half his face. He tries to open his eye but he can’t feel the other half of his face.

The droid turns and leaves again after disposing of the used bandages.

Kylo isn’t sure how long he lies in the medical bed in the starch white sheets. Long enough for the voices to start hissing to him from the depths of his mind. He tries to block them out, but for some reason he can’t throw his thoughts out to find Rey and her light- he thinks the thin metallic band around his neck is preventing his Force abilities, but it’s so hard to think straight.

He’s just slipping back into sleep when the doors slip open and his mother steps inside, followed by his father and a very sweaty and dirty Rey. This close he can feel the light of her mind, and even with the collar he can reach out and bask in the light. The voices dissipate under the radiance.

For a moment his mother and father say nothing, just stare at him mutely, and Rey steps forward hesitantly. His gaze flicks to her and she offers a hesitant smile as she stops next to his bed.

“How are you feeling?” She asks quietly. Kylo can see the wariness in her eyes.

“I’m fine. Were you hurt badly from the grenade blast?” He asked, lying- he definitely wasn’t fine, his whole body throbbed and ached and burned with pain but that didn’t really matter. Rey blinks at him in surprise before shaking her head.

“A broken rib or two and a dislocation, nothing bad,” She said. Kylo nodded and jerkily pushed himself up, not missing the way his mother and father tracked his movement with watchful eyes. Rey reached out a hesitant hand and slipped another pillow behind his back gently.

“Why did you want me to come?” She suddenly asks, and Kylo glances up at her frowning face. He glances over at his parents before looking back to her.

“There’s important things we need to discuss,” He says quietly. His mother takes this moment to clear her throat and step forward.

“Ben, we have some things we need to discuss ourselves,” She says, and _god,_ how he’s missed her voice- and Kylo can feel tears prickling at the back of his eyes because he’s actually home and here’s his parents and _he’s home-_ and he tries to tell himself the stinging in his eyes are from his injuries.

“No one knows that you’re Kylo Ren except for a handful of high-up officials,” His mother says, “Despite the information we’ve received from you, some are reluctant to accept that you’ve changed, and you are to wear that Force restraining collar and have a five man guard on you at all times,” She continues, and Rey winces at the mention of the collar.

Kylo feels anger and disappointment grow in his chest simultaneously- _they dare collar me, as if I were some half-feral dog?_ He thinks furiously, his lips pulling back into a snarl, while a part of his conscious shakes it’s metaphorical head.

 _You are half-feral, though,_ it whispers, though not unkindly, _you are an animal, a monster to these people; they are scared of you, and they should be._ Forcing himself to breathe deeply, he pushes the anger down until he can trap it and hide it away. Letting his tense shoulders slump, he watches as his parents and Rey relax as the anger melts from his face.

“You should have killed me as soon as we landed,” He says miserably. Now that he doesn’t have the heat of his fury he feels cold and empty.

Kylo glances down at his hands- pale and scarred and shaking so, so badly. He tries to clench them into fists but they fall open weakly, and he feels tears prick once again because he’s not home- how could he have ever thought he’d be able to find home again? He’d never belong anywhere- he was an outcast, a freak, a monster that heard voices and had no way to justify his actions. His parents could never love him again.

Rey stumbled back as his thoughts grew louder, more hateful, and she shook her head desperately. Even though he couldn’t hear her thoughts, she was close enough that his thoughts reached her, and she could feel all of his misery and hatred- all of it directed at himself. Tears threatened to spill over and she turned from Kylo, reaching up to cover her ears fruitlessly as she struggled to block out his horrifying thoughts.

“You’re not,” She says weakly, General Organa and Han looking at her in surprise. They didn’t know she could hear his thoughts with the collar.

“You’re not a monster or a freak or- or- deserving of all that punishment,” She says, her voice trembling, assaulted by memory after memory of Kylo’s brutal training and punishments from Lord Snoke. Han lurches past Leia and drops to his knees next to Kylo’s bed, a shaking hand reaching out to turn Kylo’s face towards him. When his son refused, hiding his face in a shaking shoulder, Han leans forward and gently wraps his arms around Kylo. His son stiffens and leans from the embrace but Han doesn’t let go.

The feeling of his son’s feverish skin under his hands is something he never thought he’d feel again after the brief touch on the bridge. His curls brush against Han’s cheek and despite being sweat soaked and unwashed the softness was comforting.

“I love you,” He murmurs into Kylo’s hair, and the sob that shakes Kylo’s form is heart wrenching. “Please don’t ever ask me to hurt you again- I could never,” He rubs his thumb in a gentle circle on Kylo’s shoulder and runs his fingers through his hair in subconscious movements. His son finally relaxes and leans into his embrace, tear stained face pressed to Han’s neck and shuddering breathes trapped in his father’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Kylo whispers brokenly. Han smooth’s his hair back over his head and presses a kiss to his temple.

“Sorry for what?” He asks quietly.

“I’m sorry you love me,” Kylo’s voice breaks and he shakes in the embrace of his father. Han closes his eyes.

A single tear drops onto Kylo’s head.

 

 -----------------------

 

“I’m aware he’s mentally unstable,” General Organa says, her eyebrows pulling low in a frown, “I want to know how unstable,”

The woman in front of her chews on her lip and rubs at a tired eye.

“Leia, I’m aware he’s your son, but I can’t-“ She says only to have General Organa shake her head.

“I need to know exactly how unstable he is, Almaja,” She insists. The doctor sinks into a chair near her and groans.

“He has nightmares. Hallucinations. I’ve seen him arguing with thin air, so I’ll go out on a very thick and sturdy limb and say that he probably hears voices. He has astonishing anger issues and self-hatred. I’d take a guess and say he’s been beaten and tortured, if his past injuries are an indicator, so he may be suffering PTSD from this,” She says in a rush, reaching into her pocket for a hair tie, “He’s touch starved and wary of all physical contact, and his adrenaline levels and amygdala activity are off the chart. He’s constantly scared and on alert- it may be bad enough to cause anxiety,” She continues, tugging her dark curly hair into a rough ponytail.

General Organa takes a deep breath before grasping for a chair and falling into it.

“He’s constantly torn between making a morally correct decision and not,” The doctor adds tiredly, “He has trouble controlling his emotions and responding to them correctly,” The General holds up a shaking hand and the doctor shuts her mouth.

“Where did my son go?” She asks weakly, “Where did shy little Ben go- I don’t recognize this man that’s returned,” She looks up to meet her old friend’s eyes searchingly. The doctor shakes her head.

“He was beaten and tortured and killed,” Almaja says. General Organa covers her face with a shaking hand.

 

\-------------------

 

_“You thought you’d be free, didn’t you?” Lord Snoke snarls as he stalks towards Kylo’s body. Snoke’s Force is like a knife twisted in his stomach and the fiery agony prevents him from moving._

_“You’ll never escape- you’ll never be free of your past, you’ll never be free of the atrocities you’ve committed,” He says, circling Kylo’s trembling form like a vulture. He leans close enough that Kylo can feel the darkness and hatred emanating from him._

_“I will find you, and when I do, I will destroy you and your pitiful family once and for all,” He hisses. Kylo cries out as he digs his Force deeper into his body, convulsing around the tremendous pain. He tries to throw up walls around him or push Lord Snoke away but the collar- the damn collar- weakens him and he can’t do anything. He can’t move, he can’t think, he can only cry out from the pain and beg that Lord Snoke will kill him soon._

_“Why would you expect me to show you mercy?” Lord Snoke whispers, staring into Kylo’s dark eyes. He reaches forward and closes his long fingers around Kylo’s throat and his mind explodes with pain._

_All Kylo can do is scream._

He thrashes awake in a haze of panic and terror. The white sheets trap him and he tumbles off the bed in his frenzy. The door hisses open and a dark figure steps through towards him, but all Kylo can see is Lord Snoke’s twisted sneer and his cold fingers, and he scrambles back into a corner with a fearful whimper.

The figure freezes and crouches, becoming level with Kylo, and reaches out a hand slowly.

“Kylo, it’s me, Rey,” She says quietly, shuffling forward tentatively. He cowers from the warmth of her, he cowers even when she reaches for his mind, huddling into himself and curling into the corner. He’s so afraid and his heart is pounding so fast and he can’t take a full breath and he can _feel_ the darkness welling up inside of him and thrashing around desperately.

“Just take a deep breath, okay, match your breathing to mine,” Rey says nervously, exaggerating her breathing so Kylo could hear her. He tries to slow his breathing but it still feels like Snoke is still pushing down on him and no matter how he struggles his breath catches in his throat.

Rey had been shuffling forward this whole time and gently lays her hand on Kylo’s sweaty shoulder. He jumps in fear and tries to move away but he’s wedged himself into the corner.

“It’s alright,” She says softly, “I’m bright enough for the both of us,” And carefully begins to push at the darkness overflowing the boundaries of his mind. She clears some of the haze and directs her brightness into the centre of his mind- slowly the light fills him, helping to calm Kylo. Rey moves closer until she can cradle the back of his head in her hand and rub circles through his hair.

He slumps into her grasp like he did with his father and Rey feels relief as his shuddering chest slowly settles into deep inhales and exhales. She wipes at the sweat on his brow with her other hand and suddenly feels so much older than she is. A strange sense of responsibility settles in her heart for Kylo- almost what she felt for BB-8 when they first became friends.

Kylo just looks so small and scared in the corner of the medical room. She can feel the tortured mess of his mind and the fear that plagues him. In a way, Rey could almost call it justice- for all his horrible acts Kylo Ren is suffering the repercussions. But when she feels how desperately he reaches for the light of her mind and the fear that she will take it away and leave him in the dark makes her feel ashamed for thinking that way.

“Do you want me to stay here with you?” She asks, hand moving with his head as he nods violently. She tries to soothe his mind- tries to calm the fury he feels at his own weakness, the fear of Lord Snoke and the battle in his mind and his parents and _living,_ tries to quell the darkness pulsing in his mind like a mighty beast.

“Lets get you back in bed,” She whispers, hand gently skirting his side and unsurprisingly finding blood. His stitches are torn. She carefully wraps his arm around her shoulder and supports most of his weight as he stood shakily. Again the rage at his own weakness washed over his mind and again Rey pushed it away, filling his mind with reassurances and gentle words.

She half-drags him to his bed and sets him down gently before moving to turn the lights on and gather bandages. She’s sure she should call a medic droid but Rey can’t tell how Kylo would react to anyone else at this point. He’s hunched over on his bed, eye unseeing and face pale. His hands are trembling uncontrollably and Rey reaches over and clasps them gently in her own.

“It’s okay,” She says, “I’m here and you’re going to be fine,” He nods mutely and holds his arms up out of her way without fuss so she can bandage his side. His mind is still now; numb. _At least he isn’t freaking out anymore,_ Rey thinks idly, taping the gauze down. She carefully maneuvers him to lie back down on the bed and gets a new set of sheets for him when she finds his old sweat soaked ones.

“Did any of your other injuries reopen?” She asks Kylo, only half expecting an answer, surprised when he shakes his head slowly.

“Do you still want me to stay with you?” Rey asks again, startled when a cold hand grasps hers tightly. She grabs a pillow to prop herself up on and moves her other hand to gently smooth his wild curls back. She flicks the lights off with the Force and immediately squeezes Kylo’s hand in comfort when he whimpers.

Rey lets her thoughts drift slowly through Kylo’s. They’re like firebugs; tiny pinpricks of light brighten his dark mind. She watches his face as he relaxes; when he frowns the lines in his brow make him look older, but asleep he looks young. Too young. She takes a deep breath and lets her thoughts flow with the Force.

_Please give me guidance._

No one answers.

 

 ------------------

 

“You want to restrain him?” General Organa asks incredulously. Doctor Almaja sighs and rocks on her feet uneasily.

“Leia, if Rey hadn’t sensed his instability, he could have seriously harmed himself. She stopped him almost immediately after his panic attack started, but even so, he ripped most of his stitches in his side. I still haven’t repaired the damage,” She added on the last sentence and glanced impatiently at the closed medical door to Kylo’s room.

“The wound to his side was a light saber injury, why is it bleeding?” General Organa asks. She chooses to ignore Doctor Almaja’s obvious hint.

“The injury was deep enough that it caused internal scarring, so I cut out the cauterized flesh and used flesh grafts to replace it,” The doctor said shortly. She suddenly turned her back on the General and paced to the door, punching in the code before Leia could ask her any more questions. The General followed her with a huff of anger.

On the bed Kylo was curled into Rey’s side, hidden under the blankets, the girl propped against a pillow smeared with drool. General Organa couldn’t help but notice their tightly entwined hands.

Doctor Almaja moved straight to Rey and shook her awake with a gentle hand. Rey awoke uncharacteristically slowly, yawning and blinking the sleep out of her eyes. She didn’t try to remove her hand from Kylo’s grasp. The doctor said something quietly to Rey that General Organa could not hear, and did not try to- her gaze was focused on her son.

She hadn’t been in to see him since the first day he had arrived. Bandages were still pasted to his face and he was still pale and too thin looking. She felt a twinge in her heart at the awful state of her son. She could have never anticipated this- when Ben was born it was the best moment of her life. And now look at where they were. A broken and torn apart family.

Doctor Almaja cast a glance back at her as she gathered supplies she placed on Kylo’s bedside table.

“I’m going to re-stitch his side. You’re welcome to stay,” She says. Rey is speaking to Kylo in low tones; perhaps using her thoughts to wake him carefully as well, and Leia takes a tentative step towards him. She settles on the end of his bed.

When Kylo awakens Leia watches him stiffen, jaw clenching as he realizes more people are in the room than he had thought. Rey leans over and murmurs something to him and he relaxes minutely.

Doctor Almaja is quick and precise. She numbs Kylo’s side and stitches him back up in seconds without having him move from his bed. She tapes a thick swathe of bandages over his injury and orders him not to move for the next day. Leia can barely hear his weak affirmation.

The doctor sweeps out of the room without a glance at her old friend and Leia knows she had made Almaja angry. But she can’t separate her son from the war criminal he became.

“No, you can’t,” Rey suddenly mutters, glancing up at General Organa. Her eyes are steely.

“He’s done terrible, terrible things, and you need to recognize that,” She says, before glancing down at Kylo’s still form. Her eyes soften, “But you also need to remember that he’s your son and no matter what he’s done, he’s trying. He’s fighting.”

“Fighting what?” Leia asks, and she expects Rey to tell her what she already knew- the darkness inside of him. But Rey’s eyes stay trained on Kylo’s profile and she shakes her head with a frown.

“He’s fighting, and he’s going to win,” She whispers, and Leia is unsettled by the look of fear in Rey’s eyes, “but I’m not sure at what cost.”

The room is silent.

Inside Kylo Ren’s mind he wages desperate war.


	4. i'm not sick but still so far away from sane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All these exams simply brought to mind what he had done for the First Order. They reminded him of all the injuries others had inflicted on him during his wild crusade for Lord Snoke and all the injuries he had inflicted upon himself.
> 
> Kylo closed his eyes as the droid laid a heavy fabric over him and hoped his parents wouldn’t question him about the results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to Maddie for proof reading and being the great beta she is

Two Weeks Later

_They will never accept you. Not like I did. You and I are the same, you see- we both have the darkness. We both feel it. They will never understand. Your own parents can’t bear to look at you- you will never find a family again. Monster._

“And how are you feeling today, Ben?” The doctor asks. She sits in front of Kylo in her scrubs and asks him the same damn question every single day. Sometimes he answers her. Sometimes he can talk easily, and some days he has to force every word out of his clenched teeth. Some days he can’t say a word.

“Can you ask a different question?” He asks. He sits the same way every time she visits him- either curled in the corner or on his bed, his side pressed against the wall. He watches her with his good eye.

“I feel a lot of things, and I don’t want to list all of them,” He mutters, and the doctor shifts in her chair slightly. He watches her every movement like he expects her to hurt him.

“Of course I can ask you a different question. How about- what is the strongest emotion you’re feeling right now?” She asks. Kylo sits in silence for a moment. What is the strongest emotion he’s feeling now? Immediately, rage wells up in his chest, but under it is a riptide of misery that has swept him off his feet many times.

“I’m angry,” He says, “And I’m miserable,” The doctor watches him with piercing eyes that unnerve him. Kylo wants his mask back. He wants something to hide behind.

“What are you angry at?” She asks.

“Myself,” Kylo answers immediately.

“Anything else?” The doctor presses, and Kylo is floored when he searches for the root of his fury and struggles to find anything.

“That I have to wear this collar,” He says, “And that my parents sent me away to train with Luke. And that Lord Snoke convinced me to the dark side- and that I couldn’t even stay on the dark side, and that I’m so weak, and-“ His words flow out of him unevenly, his voice hitching and sentences running together. The doctor stands slowly and steps to where he sits on the bed. She settles next to him and gently lays her hand on Kylo’s back.

“It’s alright, try to control your breathing,” She murmurs. Kylo struggles to focus on anything but the pounding in his ears- he tries to temper down the sparks of anger and fear that sends his body into a panic and he has to focus on the heat of the doctor’s hand on his back to even out his breathing.

“It seems that you’re truly only angry at yourself- does that seem right?” The doctor asks him quietly once he’s calmed down. Kylo turns his face away. He’s so weak. He’s so weak and pathetic-

“Listen Ben. And really listen to me- don’t tune me out, alright?” The doctor suddenly asks, shifting so he has to look at her face. Her dark eyes are serious and Kylo nods slowly.

“Your mother wants you to begin interacting with people again- starting slowly, of course, but she wants you to start spending time outside. I have to give my approval that your mental state can handle it. Do you understand why I’ve been asking you these questions?” The doctor speaks clearly and bluntly, and Kylo feels a small glimmer of respect for the woman. He nods again. She smiles faintly at him.

“If you’re done for today, I’ll see you again next time we speak-“ She says, getting off the bed, but Kylo reaches out his hand and hesitantly rests it on her wrist, only his fingertips touching her in case she reacts badly to the contact. The doctor stills and looks at him.

“I can talk more,” He says quietly. The doctor doesn’t move.

“I _want_ to talk more,” He adds, more confidently, and the doctor smiles and settles back on the bed.

“So who talks first?” She asks.

 

\----------------------

 

The meeting room is quiet. General Organa sits at the head, eyes focused on the doors to the room, disregarding the looks many of the people present throw her.

The doors finally bang open and Dr. Almaja enters the room with quick strides. Her gaze is preoccupied by a bundle of papers she reads through quickly. It’s not until someone clears their throat that she looks up and narrowly avoids running into the edge of the table. She circles the long table to sit next to General Organa but does not meet her eyes.

“So who has questions,” She asks, and immediately every person present begins speaking. She sighs and drops her face into her hand. Leia feels a hint of shame and regret at the way she’s acted and gently rests her hand on Almaja’s shoulder. The dark skinned woman glances up and smiles tiredly- but gratefully- and waves her hand until everyone shuts up.

“One at a time,” She says, and points at a random person sitting across from her.

“Go,” She says shortly, and leans back in her seat with an expectant look on her face. The delegate across from her clears their throat and twines their webbed fingers together.

“Is Kylo Ren a danger to himself or others?” They ask, slitted eyes meeting the doctors across the table.

“Yes,” She says, before looking at the next officer and nodding. Immediately the meeting room is filled with a clamor as they ask _to what degree,_ and _with what prompts,_ and a number of other questions that the doctor had very few answers for.

“He is more likely to hurt himself than others at this point,” She says, rubbing at her eyes, “Most of his hatred he feels is directed at himself. He’s tentative to interact with people because he is hyperaware of how they perceive him- a freak, a monster, etc.- and he is afraid of their reaction to his interaction. If he is left to his depression- and in some cases his anger- he is highly likely to hurt himself. If he is provoked to rage he may hurt someone else as well,” The doctor says in a rush, accepting the glass of water General Organa pours for her.

“Can he interact with other people safely?” Another officer asks. The doctor leans back into her chair and looks at the ceiling for several moments in deep thought. The delegates take her silence as a lack of knowledge and begin whispering amongst themselves.

“Yes, he can,” She says suddenly, sitting up straight, “And I encourage that he begins interacting with a few people that he can learn to trust- or does trust already- in a safe environment for both himself and the other people.”

The officials speak with each in low tones and Almaja rolls her eyes at Leia, who stifles a smile.

“Do you approve of General Organa’s idea?” A medal-heavy officer asks, furry ears angled forward in interest and attention, and the doctor’s answer is without hesitation.

“Yes, I do, and I believe we should implement it immediately,” She says, and gathers her notes as the room erupts into noise. She moves to the door unwaveringly. Her progress is only stopped when a large rebel officer blocks her way.

“It would do well to remember that Kylo Ren is a war criminal,” It clicks to her and General Organa. The General feels anger build in her chest- that’s her _son_ it’s talking about- but the doctor beats her to speaking.

“And it would do well to remember that Ben Solo is my patient, and his recovery is far more important to me than your opinion,” She snarls, shoving past them disrespectfully, and General Organa follows close behind her.

 

 

“Do you really think that my idea will help him?” Leia asks. Neither had spoken since they left the conference room, and only now, in front of the medical bay doors does Leia speak to the doctor.

“If I’m excruciatingly honest, I have to say it could go either way,” Dr. Almaja says, “He could get better with the help of friends and family, or he could get worse and no one would be able to help him. From the time I’ve spent with him I believe that Ben isn’t ‘evil’ at heart- he’s very emotional, and has an incredible connection with the Force, and he was never raised to control it; the dark side, mainly Lord Snoke, used all these traits against Ben. The darkness emphasized Ben’s negative emotions. Of course that’s just my personal opinion,” The doctor tags the last sentence on to the end hastily.

General Organa nods slowly and smiles at her old friend.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done,” She says, “I truly appreciate it,” The doctor shrugs and runs her hand through her hair.

“I haven’t exactly been fair, you shouldn’t thank me so much,” She says, meeting the General’s eyes, “I could have healed all his injuries completely by now, but I chose to use older- although just as effective- methods that would take longer. It had a dual effect, I suppose; it kept the council from making any rash decisions about him and satisfied my childish and petty vengeance.”

General Organa was shaking her head before the doctor had even finished and rested her hand on her shoulder.

“You helped him, and that’s all that matters to me,” Leia says. The doctor covers her friend’s hand and smiles at her before turning to the medical bay door.

“Ben’s in the middle of a medical examination right now that will tell me whether or not he’s healthy enough, physically, to start interacting with people and outside the medical bay normally. You can go in with him now or wait for Han and Rey to arrive once the medical exam is over.” Dr. Almaja says, keying in the med bay code, and Leia feels an unwillingness to see her son without Han and Rey present.

“I think I’ll wait for the exam to finish,” Leia says, stepping back from the open door. Almaja looks at her with an inscrutable gaze for several long moments before shrugging.

“Suit yourself,” She says, somewhat shortly, before turning and disappearing into the medical bay.

 

\-----------------

 

“Can you support all of your weight on your right leg please?” The medical droid asks. Kylo stands in the centre of the room in just a small pair of underclothes; he has to pass this final medical evaluation to be able to leave the medical bay.

He does as asked and stands there as the medical droid keeps time. When its timer has passed a minute it asks him to switch to his other leg and he does so reluctantly. His left knee was a bit of a problem for him in general; Lord Snoke had damaged it badly, over the injury Rey gave him, during training, and Kylo had continued to have trouble with it.

He wobbled fiercely on it as pain flared through his leg until it locked painfully. He stood in discomfort until the timer ran out. At this point the droid motioned for him to move into the imaging room in the medical bay and he lay on the cold table without words.

All these exams simply brought to mind what he had done for the First Order. They reminded him of all the injuries others had inflicted on him during his wild crusade for Lord Snoke and all the injuries he had inflicted upon himself.

Kylo closed his eyes as the droid laid a heavy fabric over him and hoped his parents wouldn’t question him about the results.

 

 

“…and in addition he has total vision loss in his right eye, partial hearing loss in both ears, and still healing fractures in his jaw, cheek bones, and nose. His total medical report is available for review if that brief summary was not informative enough.” The medical droid concludes. It turns and shuffles out of the medical bay. Kylo’s parents are both silent with stony looks on their faces.

Kylo tucks his head into his knees and struggles to breathe evenly. He can feel the presence of Rey’s mind nearing- she helps calm his mind and he has a fear that this conversation is going to be especially upsetting.

The room is silent but for their breathing and Kylo hopes it’s because they want him to speak first.

“Would you like to explain any of that?” _No such luck._

“No,” Kylo murmurs. He struggles to hold back the anger and tide of upset that grows in his throat as his mother huffs angrily. _Why can’t they leave me alone?_

“Ben, we need to speak about this. When was the last time you had a full health screening?” Leia asks, settling into a chair in front of Kylo’s bed. He doesn’t want her so close.

“Before I joined the First Order,” He mumbled, closing his eyes. Rey was so close. Already he was feeding off the light and strength of her mind.

“How did they treat any of your injuries than?” His mother asks. Kylo angles his face away.

“I did it all myself,” He said, “Lord Snoke-“

“Don’t ever speak of him around us,” His father suddenly interjects, the fury in his voice startling Kylo. Han circles Leia and the bed to settle tentatively in front of his son on his bed. His eyes held remorse but anger as well.

“Don’t say his name, not here,” He says quietly. He reaches out and carefully brushes Kylo’s hair out of his face and cheek. His eyes soften. Kylo is still unsettled. His hands shake from under his knees.

Rey burst through the doors, panting hard, her wide eyes focusing on Kylo’s immediately.

 _It’s okay; you don’t need to be afraid. They just care about you,_ her mind tells him, but the fear still sends trembles across his shoulders. She passes General Organa without a glance and climbs onto the bed with Kylo. Her boldness and ease in his company startles even Kylo, but he doesn’t pull away when she settles close to his side.

“Can you tell us anything about any of the injuries? At all?” Leia asks. She’s noticed the effect that Rey has had on her son. Luke wasn’t the only child that was strong in the Force; she could feel how twisted and dark Kylo’s mind was and how much Rey’s presence lightened it.

“They’re from fighting and training,” Kylo says. His throat is thick and he bites back the cruel words he wants to throw at his parents. They don’t deserve his anger.

“All of them?” His father asks. For a moment Kylo wants to scream at them to shut up and leave him alone- he can feel it building and building like a tidal wave and he clenches his hands until his nails break his skin. The pain is not enough and he jerks- to get away from Rey, his parents, the probing questions he doesn’t want to answer, he doesn’t know- and his parents twitched back from him.

Rey is the only one who doesn’t move from him. Despite feeling the desperate rage building in him and the fear, she stays at his side and loops her arm around his waist. Kylo bucks against her and when she holds his weak body easily he feels the anger consolidate thickly. He’s Lord Snoke’s strongest apprentice, the leader of the Knights of Ren, the grandson of Darth Vader- and he can’t even push away a scavenger girl.

To his utter mortification he feels tears prick at his eyes and he turns from Rey and his parents. If he were still in the First Order he probably would have destroyed a room by now.

“Stop struggling,” Rey whispered, wrapping her arms around Kylo tighter, “Just let it out,” And Kylo felt her mind prying his open. He couldn’t fight against her with the Force collar and she easily pushed his walls down.

Being restrained prevented him from venting his anger by destroying something and with Rey forcing his emotions to the surface of his mind he couldn’t simply ignore them. His inability to restrain his emotions had been a source of annoyance for Lord Snoke and Kylo had done his best to bury them.

“Leave me alone,” Kylo snarls, turning from Rey and his parents. His face pressed into the wall painfully, the still healing burns pulling, but he used the pain. He deserved the pain. But Rey refused to let go of him and continued to encourage his emotions- of fear and anger and sadness- to the forefront of his mind and he couldn’t run from them.

“Don’t be afraid to tell us,” Rey murmurs. Kylo can feel her heartbeat pounding and the hint of fear she feels at being so close to him and it just resolves in him the hatred he feels.

 _“Get out! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!”_ He screams, struggling to throw off the tight hold that Rey has around his waist, tears streaming down his face. He hears the clatter of a chair as his mother moves from it swiftly, but he can’t see anything except the blank white expanse of the wall with his only eye.

“Stop hiding!” Rey yells back. Her voice fills Kylo’s ears and he can’t escape; not from her hold, not from the light of her mind, not from the reality of what he’s done and the decisions he’s made.

It’s hard to focus with all the overwhelming emotions that are welling up in Kylo’s chest. He can’t string together a coherent sentence. All he can do is pull against Rey’s iron tight grip and wail into the wall.

He’s not sure how long he screams and sobs. Rey holds him tightly even when he quiets; he takes deep heaving breaths through his scratched throat and rests his forehead against the cool wall and she continues to hold him. At some point he slumps back into her embrace and lets her support his weight.

Kylo is exhausted from all the raw emotion that’s been dug up. He’s not in the mood to talk to his parents and he hopes that they understand that from the screaming match he just had with the med bay wall.

“Doesn’t that feel better?” Rey asks, only somewhat tentatively, and it startles a quiet laugh in the pit of Kylo’s chest out of him.

“Kind of,” He says hoarsely, surprised to discover that the pent up emotion that’s been brewing in him for the past years have abated a little bit. Rey unplasters herself from Kylo’s back and rubs hesitant circles there instead. He uses this new mobility to wipe his face with the thin t-shirt he’s wearing and tug his hair back from his face.

When he turns Rey is looking at him nervously, and, to his surprise, his parents stand together a few feet away, arms around each other. His mother has her hand held resolutely over her mouth and the glimmer of tears on her face is visible from across the room. His father’s jaw is clenched tightly and the fist at his side is clenched tight enough his knuckles are white.

Kylo drops his gaze to his hands as he settles cross-legged on his bed. The blood smeared there is already drying. He takes deep, shuddering breathes as his body recovers and wipes at his red cheeks and eye with the back of his hands. The room is silent, a stark contrast to the noise that had filled it moments ago.

“I’m sorry,” He mumbles, voice so hoarse it’s almost a whisper, and his mother immediately steps closer to him, shaking her head.

“Never be sorry for what you feel, Ben,” She says, moving past her chair and to the edge of his bed. She settles on its edge next to Rey and reaches for Kylo’s hand slow enough he could pull away if he chose to. He wanted to, if he was going to be honest; the idea of being touched made his skin crawl. But his mother was right in front of him, offering the love and warmth that he had always craved, and when her hand curled around his he felt something deep in his chest stop aching quite so much.

His father came behind her and he too sat on Kylo’s bed. The warmth of their minds- the acceptance- was almost overwhelming. And yet Kylo could feel the fear and uneasiness that lays wait in their hearts.

Their fear weasels its way into the crevices of his mind, still cracked open from Rey’s assault earlier, and he feels bitter rage and anguish grow- because even now he still incites fear, even now his own parents sit on the edge of their seats, waiting for him to go off. And by the Force he wants to fix this- _but that’s not how it works, is it? You can’t just decide to be a good person. Not after everything you’ve done. You’ll come back to me, Ben; you’ll come back to your real family._

Kylo squeezes his eyes shut as Lord Snoke’s voice whispers in his head. _No,_ he tells himself, _no, I’m going to fix this._

Rey’s warm, small hand settles on the back of his neck and Kylo is jerked out of his mind and back into the medical bay room, where his parents watch his face anxiously.

“No,” Rey says, a peculiar smile on her face, “We’ll fix this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you have any questions whatever my tumblr is jurassicqueer

**Author's Note:**

> gonna update (hopefully) on the weekends but idk if i'll get a chapter out every weekend


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